momma didn't raise no quitter!!

4:09am

open road to God

just gonna hop on my bike and ride today.
ride and think about life.


thanks God.

what a feeling.

christina got it right..

you know sometimes while i ride the skytrain i think to myself "people really are beautiful.." and i think of the christina aguilera song. thats seems pretty gay huh?.. hahah don't worry i'm not some closet christina fan. i just like the lyrics. i think about how much time we spend in the mirror worrying about what people think of us, how people check themselves in the reflections off of buildings and pretty much any surface you see yourself( i am guilty of this too.) humans can be such surface level creatures.

it's ridiculous the way appearance is such an obsession. but in reality beauty is a relative thing, un measurable by any one standard rule. beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? blah blah that whole thing. our eyes are the gateway to some of the worst sins. judgement. sometimes you look at someone and almost subconsciously rate them against your standards, like they woke up today got dressed went out the door specifically to be judged by your stupid brain. "this person looks weird.." "this person has a stupid shirt on" " does this guy know how bad hes dressed?" and the worst ones i'll leave up to you.. my point being we sure can be dicks sometimes. if only we could be blind, just all of us blind. then again knowing the human obsession with beauty we'd find a way to judge the voices we hear. when i see another human first i look at their clothes their face then i start to wonder what is his life like? what is her life like? wondering what makes this person beautiful. every person is beautiful and you must believe this to be true, or what chance do we stand? everyone has the ugly parts of them.. maybe their anger, maybe their attitude, maybe their hair, maybe they have a big butt. but what we all have in the relm of ugly we have ten times that in beauty. the kindness of a heart, the compassion of your attitude.. try this before you look at someone and say in your head something judgemental and un kind, try asking instead what is this person good at? what does this person love in life. then once you've realized they could do anything and be just about anything the worlds best violinist etc etc. then you can see the beauty in that person no matter what. because it is not the fact that they are good at any one thing or have passion for any one thing. it is that they have that potential..

and potential is a very powerful thing. and potential is beauty and therefore potential is the way you should see everyone no matter what. we each have a great potential and jesus spoke about this endlessly if you wanna find a guy that advocated this way of seeing people then jesus is your man. this whole thing has rambled on long enough. .. so i'll end it with.



believe in people.. because YOU are people..

tipping the cup.

i remember i was at recent youth retreat and the speaker made a very interesting analogy. he had a paper cup filled to the brim with water and he picked a kid to hold it. he said "here hold this cup for me please." then he began to talk and he said "this cup is our lives as christians." and as he began to talk he started to nudge the kid's arm, a little water splashed out. the kid made a face like what the heck? but the speaker just continued on bumping his arm, more and more water splashed out. until finally he knocked the cup right out of the kid's hand. everyone was like what on earth is he doing? then he said


"this cup is our lives as christians. sometimes God nudges the cup, shakes the cup to see what splashes out, anger, fear, lust, sadness, or love, perseverance, strength, optimism. God tests us this is un doubted. and sometimes God will even knock the cup right out of our hands and you'll have a moment where you say 'why God?' we always face adversities that beg the question of the roots of our faith. death, divorce, debt, pain, illness. we expect life to be sunshine and lollipops but sometimes God knocks the cup out, and for what? he does it for the same reason he nudges the cup. to see how we react. to see after all the pieces are laying on the floor what we put back together, what we fill our cups with once they're empty. do we fill it with bitterness and anger? or love and compassion and jesus. . . "


that has been a big influence in my life. and it also reminds me of how my pastor said "don't expect to feel comfortable as a christian at any time... jesus was beaten and cut and tortured, his blood spilled to the ground..he died on a cross... don't expect anything to be comfortable or easy about this. this is the life we chose."

i had one of those days where people just knocked my cup all freaking day! then finally as we were trying to get home some stupid cop pulls up because one of the guys in our group decides to be an idiot and roll around on the highway. the cop yells at all of us... that was about all i could take so i yelled right back. he knew what i was saying was right so he drove off.
i wonder still if it was the right thing to do?


in a day where everyones "nudging my cup" what do you want me to do God?
look in the mirror and see you..

people's instinctive travels...

that sentence has been on replay in my mind for the past two weeks. what does it mean? aside from being a tribe album of course.

is it ...

that people feel a deep inner need to travel? like antelope and deer, they just know in their bones that it's time to move so they move? i'd like to think there is a deeper meaning in there somewhere not what anyone intended, but what i think about.
perhaps people's instinctive travels is less to do about geography and more to do about the heart. the travels of the heart.
still instinctive like the deer and the antelope. this time however to a different place in your heart. over the course of our lives the darkness and lightness of our hearts will change(not the shade mind you, but good and bad) wether you like it or not this is a natural fact. life and experience teaches us to close off the feelings we have, and put up this mask. to guard against being taken advantage of we must act tough walk tough talk tough. because in the end this world this life is no play ground no fairy tale it's harsh and bitter and real, it's dog eat dog world out there... as time passes the little arrow that usually points towards the good side of the heart gradually starts to point to the opposite side. the arrow moves slowly almost un seen, then it gets to the grey area between good and bad, and it teeters between both choices. this is when it is most dangerous. you must make the choice of wether to follow what is good inside you or fall into the bad.

when you're in between it's dangerous for people to be around you. you can't be trusted... i know what it feels like to be in the grey zone. not bad but not quite good either. and you find yourself justifying bitterness and anger, and jealousy, and pain. you let yourself do whatever you feel. you feel angry so you get revenge. you feel sad so you soak yourself in a bottle of alcohol. people's instinctive travels. we just know in our bones that it's time to move, but do you move closer to the edge? or back to the person you were? we all have our reasons. but there is no justification for hurting other people.. and there is no justification for hurting yourself. don't follow the heart of others, follow your own but make a note to care for others.

i feel like this was all a whole bunch of jibberish and random thoughts. i needed to get this out of my head or i'd be muttering "people's instinctive travels" to my self forever.

is this a..?

i don't know.

reply???

it seems i don't know a lot of things. i'd like to think i know a lot of things. but really i'm just your average guy. with your average flaws and average insecurities and average knowledge.
i think i'm just another cliche.. some dude into hip hop and bboying who likes sneakers and old tv shows with black people like fresh prince.
i am awkward.
i am fidgety.
i am quiet...
i have many stupid ways of going about things. i hate to spoil surprises even if they should be spoiled.
i wonder sometimes who the real me is? i wish i were grounded in who i am.
God is the main focus of my life. or at least that is what it should be.. i find i spend less and less time appreciating God. i'm scared to loose focus again. so many questions are swirling around my mind.
about the future about my life about responsibilities. how can i commit to anything more? this is a big fear of mine.



you..but if i say that word 'you' then it is a reply...
so all i will say is yes, yes i would.. and do!

summer breeze and all that jazz.

my new daily ritual seems to be get home, eat, take a shower, then throw on some jazz.. i don't know why i discovered jazz so late in my life. how i lived without it before is beyond me.

something about those horns and that bass and that piano... it just make me unwind. it soothes my mind and i float away. laying here staring at my ceiling never felt so good.



a-mazing.
excuse me while i drift away.

btw. if you listen to that you'd better dim the lights.. it's simply mandatory.

miscommunication

why can't we work it out? male vs female, the constant struggle for understanding hahaha. i just don't understand why it is we so often misconstrue intentions and feelings. as a member of the male gender i can honestly say yes we are stupid. it's almost like you can never be just friends with a girl. that whole when harry met sally ish. the relationship part always gets in the way. on the other hand girls can never be clear with their intentions or feelings. they need to shoot these crazy signals from a ton of angles just to get one point across. i like you. . . then confusion ensues. "i thought you liked me?!" "no.." or worse yet "i had the biggest crush on you why didn't you do anything i thought i made it pretty clear..." "no..." come on! the games people play. i guess what it all boils down to is signals. we live and die by these signals. we need this signal game because the fear of rejection is always lingering in the back of our minds.

it's a frustrating thing isn't it. then you need to factor in the whole girls and saying "hey" conundrum. you see when girls say "hey" it's one of three things 1) they're just being friendly 2) they feel sorry for you and you get a pitty "hey" or 3) they'd like to talk cause they like you. and heres where the big tangle and where the "guys are stupid" comes in to play. guys never think of 1 or 2 first.... they only think of 3. then we get into a whole mess of sub-problems like avoiding the approach and avoiding the "hey" altogether. we always have to be so careful with each other.

most of the time what guys want and what girls want are two different things. get it straight already! you need to be careful with your heart! don't just give it to anybody! if he wants something else.. then don't waste your time. he sees your heart in your pants, she just sees his heart. girls need to stop walking blindly towards every guy that shows interest. test everything through fire, with a fine tooth comb! a girl must be worth a fight! and a guy must fight for worth. if you can't tell the difference between a guy that calls you hot and a guy that calls you beautiful then you kind of need to reevaluate your understanding of relationships.

when i was a young go getter i wrote this poem. and it makes a whole lot more sense in retrospect. this is the best advice i can give:

...

"that four letter word love.

oh ! she is elusive i know that much.

and these lines too serve little permanence.

because sweet and perfect things fade.

and the glory forgotten.

will there be a memory of your beauty?

flowers are a testament to the 

fragile souls within our bodies.

just as easily wither away.

and their tender petals soft, wilt.

they guard their gentle hearts.

fear the scorns future holds.

you naive flowers.

no rose will last forever.

everyone knows beauty is temporary .

love is eternal."

...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9f06QZCVUHg

masks II

masks

my mask..
it wasn't too long ago i began to question my beliefs. it seemed there were many loop holes in my understanding. i tell ya it's a funny thing being a christian, you find yourself so alive with nothing but hope and positive thinking, but the further you go along you discover all these critical questions you need to answer for yourself. like "what my friends are doing looks like it's so fun! am i wasting my life?" "if someone can meet God at any point in their life and still go to heaven then why don't i just live how ever i want to live and go back to being christian when i'm old..." "Jesus drank wine right?.. so does that mean i can drink beer? how much beer?" hahaha i seriously asked myself that. i wasn't born into a christian family, i became a christian when i was 17, any knowledge i acquire about being christian is from life experience, what i read in the bible, and what i hear on sundays. i don't have a mom dad or brother to ask these questions to, it puts me in an awkward position. . so when i should have picked up my bible instead i picked up a beer. and when i should have gone to cell group i went to the club. i figured so long as i don't get drunk, so long as i don't swear or smoke or get angry... i'm fine.. this was a bad idea. i wish i could have said right away this is a bad idea i'm going home, but i didn't. i kind of liked it meeting new people and hanging out with people my age. pretty soon i was sucked into a life that wasn't mine and i began to lose myself behind a mask. my original hesitations were lost, and i had told the little voice in my heart to shut up so many times.. i began to forget my moral compass in my other jacket you know the one with the cross and the bible, naw i left that one at home. drifting further and further until i was so deep under all the bs of secular life i forgot who i was. i think initially my excuse was "i'm sad i deserve this" "i'm lonely i can get away with drinking.. it numbs the pain" i believe it was at the peak of my emo break up days. it wasn't until i met up with my old pastor that i got the reality check i needed. he reminded me of the courage it takes to walk blindly towards happiness, the prayer that moves mountains and the "rollercoaster" that is christian life. of course i never told him the inner conflicts i put myself through, too ashamed of the stupid mask. so after our coffee/chat i went home and i prayed "God i made a mistake. . . i may be a million steps away from you but i know it's always just one step back." that night i wrote masks, picked up my bible, picked up my cross and continued where i had left off. it's been a crazy couple of months. and i've learnt many valuable lessons both christian and secular about people things life and myself.


maybe you don't care about anything i said, maybe you think none of this applies to you or your life, that YOU don't wear a mask. well i'll tell you what, i'm sure at some point everyone in this world has worn a "mask" and has betrayed their heart. thats not the important thing, the important thing is what do you do about it? do you continue to be someone you're not? or do you recognize the mask on your face and throw it out.

we all have a choice. thats the beauty of it.